GOT A DATE TONIGHT?

Date or Acquaintance Rape

The date rapist is not the weird, dirty stranger who jumps out from behind a building in a dark alley. Most of the time, it is your classmate, friend, neighbor, co-worker, boyfriend, relative or girlfriend.

Rape can happen to anyone. Victims can be male or female, young or old, attractive or not, rich or poor.

Date rape is when your date forces you to have unwanted sexual activity. This may include unwanted sexual touch, penetration, forcing or tricking you into touching him/her, or to pose for sexually explicit photos. While date rape involves sexual activity, it is used as a means to gain power and control.

Protect Yourself

• Paying half the cost will alleviate your date from thinking you "owe" something in return.
• When dating someone new, go in a group a few times. Get to know your date before being alone with him or her.
• Tell someone where you will be going and what time you will be home. Call if your plans change.
• Be clear with your date about the kind of touches you want and don't want. Give the message that "no" means "NO," not "try harder for a yes."
• Have an arrangement with a friend you may call day or night for help.
• Know that giving someone a ride, or accepting a ride ( whether you know them or not) is a risk.
• A decision to be sexual should be agreed upon by both of you. Beware of words that are often used by others to try to force you to engage in unwanted sexual activity:
  "If you don't have sex with me, I'll break up with you."
  "If you really loved me you would."
  "If you don't I'll have to find someone else who will."

Danger Signs Of An Abusive Dating Relationship

• Acts jealous when you talk to others, even friends.
• Criticizes what you do, what you wear, and your friends.
• Pressures you to drink more alcohol than you want.
• Does not listen to what you want to do.
• Controls your body in small ways:
  holds you too tight
  pulls you around by the hand
  ignores it when you pull away
• Always needs to know who you will be with and where you are.
• Becomes angry or violent easily.
• Tries to force you into sexual activity you don't want.
• Calls you names such as "fat, ugly, lazy or stupid."
• Degrades your sex with jokes or shows interest in others in order to upset you.
• Threatens to physically hurt you or someone you care about.
• Emotionally or physically harms you and feels remorseful afterwards.

When it comes to sex, no one has the right to force you to do anything against your will.

If A Rape Occurs

Remember, it is not your fault.

It is common for victims of date rape to keep the assault a secret. They may not tell their friends or their families. Most date rapes are not reported to the police.

Victims of date rape fear others will blame them for the attack or that no one will believe them. They have trouble themselves believing it really happened. Not only are victims of date rape physically hurt, they are emotionally violated as well. They have been deceived by someone known, trusted, and/or loved. This may cause confusion, fear, and a feeling of loss of control in their own lives.

It is important to know that it is a rape even though:

• You knew the attacker.
• You didn't yell out.
• You didn't physically fight back.
• You had been intimate with him/her before and this time you said no, but he/she wouldn't listen.

Males can also be raped. A man's body will respond to stimuli, and may experience an ejaculation, just as a woman may experience an orgasm during an assault. This does not mean that the experience was enjoyable, but only that the body responded to the touches. This often leaves a victim feeling he/she must have wanted it.

If you are a victim of a date rape, you are NOT to blame.

Societal Myths About Date Rape

"You wouldn't have been raped if you hadn't been drinking." 
Some people serve dates double shots of alcohol in their beverages to make them more vulnerable. Drinking does not give someone the right to assault you. To be safe, know your drinking limits and what you are drinking.

"If you hadn't accepted a ride this wouldn't have happened to you." 
Attackers are often people you know and trust. Accepting a ride does not give the attacker permission to assault you, nor does it obligate you to have sexual relations with him/her.

"What do you expect to happen when you wear that kind of clothing?"
It is important to realize that people dress in clothing that makes them feel comfortable. Rape can happen to anyone no matter what you were wearing.

"You asked for it. You've been leading him/ her on and teasing."
Flirting is a natural part of dating. Know your sexual boundaries, how far you want to go, and avoid being talked into touches you don't want.

"If your date spends a lot of money on you, you 'owe' something in return."
Dating is not a business deal nor is sex something you pay for. A decision to have sex should be a decision made together.

These myths are simply not true. The victim should never be held responsible for the offender's actions.

Life Beyond Rape

Date rape can happen to men and women. It is not your fault if you were unable to prevent it. If you are a victim of rape, get help and support so that you may start the healing process.

FOR HELP OR FOR MORE INFORMATION, CONTACT:

This project was developed by Sexual Assault Services of Crow Wing County and funded by the Emma B. Howe Foundation, Sexual Assault Services; 217 South 7th Street, Suite 112, Brainerd, Minnesota 56401.